No one should get married on their birthday because your spouse will combine a birthday and anniversary gift.
My all time favorite movie is After Hours, directed by Martin Scorsese.
Absolutely nobody has heard of the movie, After Hours, let alone seen it…eight times!
My ex-husband’s favorite car was his Mercedes.
I met him when I backed my Toyota into it.
I hate Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve because the expectation is you’re supposed to have romance and excitement.
You can’t have both romance and excitement. Pick one.
I always pick excitement.
That’s why my favorite holiday is Groundhog Day.
We have family portraits that hang all the way up our stairwell and last night a framed picture of me came crashing down to the floor.
My son told me that’s because I’m an “off-the-wall” type of mother.
My hair always has that wild and messy, wind-blown look.
Except when I ride in a convertible, then it suddenly looks neatly coifed.
I must stop the microwave when the timer says exactly 1 second, or else “something really bad” will happen.
The “something bad” will be much worse than overcooked carrots.
I don’t recycle.
That’s because I don’t know where all my neighbors get those green recycling bins.
When I’m running late to a potluck party I embellish on frozen food and tell everyone it is homemade.
Then I give out elaborate recipes with phony ingredient measurements and the proportions are way off.
I keep a journal on my nightstand next to my bed to record my dreams in.
Sometimes I wake up at 3 am and scribble “Buy contact lens solution and dog food” in it.
We don’t own a dog.
My biggest pet peeve is people who are late.
And they always phone at the exact time they are supposed to meet you to say, “I’m going to be late.”
They are not going to be late. They already are late. And they knew they would be late in advance, so they could’ve called earlier. Therefore they are even late with their excuse for being late.
I have a temper and have been known to throw things. Think Scarlett O’Hara.
I threw my favorite perfume bottle and it shattered everywhere, staining our couch. Then the company discontinued that particular scent so when I go out fancy, I have to roll on the sofa to smell nice.
When I get pulled over for a traffic ticket, I pretend to speak like the Gabor sisters. You need to leave now if you’re too young to know who they are.
The hardest part about giving birth is getting an I.V.
I feel really guilty when I honk at inept, slow drivers and then when I speed up to pass them, I see they are old people.
I pay my sons to kill bugs and spiders for me.
Daddy Long Legs are worth $5.50 each. My youngest will do two for $10.
When my kids are not home, I throw books from a distance to smash them.
I have no idea what happened to the top layer of our wedding cake that we saved in our freezer.
I think he ate it. And I’m sure he thinks I’m the one who scarfed it down.
I read the last page of books first. My good friend Ria taught me to do that to make sure it all turns out alright.
Sometimes I phone married people and sit silently on the line to see if they’ll accuse one another of having an affair.
In high school I was voted most likely to have a really nutty bio on her blog.
When I’m sad, I dial up the prerecorded movie schedules and sob uncontrollably into the phone.
One time when I was particularly grief-stricken, I thought the recorded voice told me to try a cup of tea instead of a movie. But I might have been mistaken.
I saved all my fortune cookie slips until one read, “Your sentimentality will cause you grief.”
People think if you don’t have freckles, you’re not a true redhead.
Tee shirts at Target for little girls say, “Princess.” Tee shirts for little boys say, “Here Comes Trouble.”
You would never guess my middle name. And I won’t tell you.
It isn’t Delores.
When I walked around a Vegas hotel, two men asked me if I was a showgirl. Two women asked me if I was a prostitute.
I was on the Price is Right. I lost my showcase and I’m sure it’s because I wouldn’t let Bob Barker kiss me.
After magic shows, I’m often found backstage convincing, cajoling, coaxing and coercing the magician to tell me his secrets.
I clean my house before our maid comes over. And wash my hair before I go to the salon.
I cannot believe the way my mother dressed me as a child.
I’m planning her wardrobe for a time when she gets too elderly to shop.
My favorite Twilight Zone episode is the one where the little girl falls into her wall.
When I meet people, the first thing I notice is their teeth.
They notice me noticing and immediately stop smiling.
I think the little paper clip guy in my Word program is adorable!
My kids think my mood swings are the most exciting thing on a playground.”
I believe the entire population should be made to wear a mood ring. Even You.